Friendly Advice
by guineapiggie
Summary: "C'mon, I've missed half of your life. Grant me this bit, remember that we swore we'd always be there, me and James-" In which Remus Lupin finds out that love is no fun at all and Sirius Black is being nosy and trying to be a good friend. One-shot. Rated T for Sirius's coarse language.


**Friendly Advice**

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own a thing.

_***A/N* This was originally written for a multi-chapter I've got planned, but then it got a little out of hand and I realised it wouldn't really fit in there, so I'll just post it on its own ;)  
I'd say this was after their first kiss, not that it's important.  
I hope you'll enjoy it, and check out my other Harry Potter stories if you'd like.**_

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He knew how incredibly inappropriate it was - how unbelievably _rude_ - but he couldn't stop staring. Maybe, if she'd be wearing a less tight shirt, if her jeans skirt was a little longer… no, he would still be staring at her.

Once again, he couldn't help wondering why this woman didn't have a boyfriend. No, scratch that, why didn't she have a husband, and a string of lovers on top of that, and…

He shook his head angrily, which unfortunately did nothing to rid his mind of these absurd thoughts. It was utterly impossible to listen to what Dumbledore was saying, as much as he was trying to.

Remus stared at his shoes, at his hands, at the wall opposite, but still his thoughts wandered in directions he'd never even known they _could_. An increasing heat in his face made him realise he had to be a nice shade of tomato-red by now.

Fingers clutched in his legs and his eyes squeezed shut, he sat motionlessly for a while.

Nothing changed. He still felt much too hot and there wasn't enough oxygen in the room and anyway far too little space between him and her-

When he opened his eyes, he found Sirius throwing him a look that quickly turned from worry to mild amusement as Remus's cheeks flushed even more and Sirius, who had a creepily accurate feeling for things like this, made the connection.

His old friend mouthed something that Remus was sort of glad he couldn't hear (at first he thought it was "Who?" but, given the circumstances and given the fact it was Sirius, it had probably been something much more obscene).

"Excuse me for a moment," he muttered abruptly, getting to his feet in such a hurry he almost knocked his chair over, and stumbled out of the kitchen where he almost ran into Kreacher.

"Mind your step, filthy half-breed," the elf muttered, throwing him a vicious look. "You might hit your head...wouldn't want your dirty blood over my mistress's carpet… oh, my poor mistress, what would she say if she knew of the filth that's flooding her beautiful house…"

Remus, in his desperate need for air, found it even easier than usual to ignore the old house-elf's insults.

He shoved past the elf and made for the door, drawing in a deep desperate breath of cold February air like a drowning man. With as little noise as he could, he closed the door and sat down on the damp stone steps, panting slightly.

Was this what love felt like? Was that what people _normally_ went through? How didn't it give them all a heart attack?

One more second in that room and he would have sure as hell had one.

Nothing had ever tested his composure this much before, apart from the wolf, obviously.

He couldn't go back in there. He couldn't, couldn't, couldn't…

"Need help with something, Moony?"

"No", he gave back, his voice sort of strange.

Sirius sat down next to him and gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "You look like you're gonna throw up. If you do, please try to miss me."

"Funny," Remus said curtly, grateful for the cold air that cooled his skin.

"Seriously, you look like shit," Sirius went on cheerfully (Remus hadn't heard him resembling his school-day self so much since, well, their school days). "I thought full moon was two weeks ago."

"It was."

"Then may I ask what the fuck's eating you?"

"You may," Remus bit back sourly.

Sirius sighed, leaned his head against the door and whined: "Come on, Moony, I'm trying to help."

"No, you're just being nosy."

"You know, if it wasn't you, I'd say you fancied someone."

Remus snorted, trying to cover up his slight panic. "And if it was me?"

"Well, if it was you, I'd be at complete loss." Sirius smirked. "Merlin, Remus, you can't blame me for being nosy. I'd never thought I'd live to see the day you lose your virginity."

Remus whacked his friend on the shoulder, unable to find an appropriate answer. "You're such a bloody-"

"Genius? Idol? Wonderful friend?" Sirius supplied, smirking.

"Wanker."

"Moony! Did you just use a bad word?" The mock look of shock on his worn face made him look ten years younger.

"Yes I did, and if you don't _shut up_, I'll resort to more drastic methods."

Sirius laughed the threat off and said, still in his insolent tone: "So, from all this off-subject, un-Moony-ish behaviour, I conclude that you do indeed fancy someone."

"So what if I do," Remus gave back impatiently. "I'm thirty-five years old, and grown-up, unlike _some_." He threw the dark-haired man sitting next to him a pointed look.

"Whoa, hold your hippogriffs," Sirius muttered, raising his hands, laughter seeping through his voice. "It's just… well, you and women."

"Look, first of all, just because I'm dangerous, and an outcast, and poor, that doesn't mean that I can't _fancy_," he made speech marks with his fingers around the despicable word, "someone, second, my failed existence is none of your business, and third," it was a damn serious subject and anyway he was trying to be angry at Sirius, but this was so like old times. He added grinning: "I am _not_ a virgin."

"_Really_?" Sirius gave back, laughing, and shook his head dramatically. "Damn Azkaban, sounds like I missed all the fun."

"You are so immature it's not even funny, Padfoot."

"Yeah, right." The Marauder wiped the smile off his face and turned to look at his friend. "Down to business. Who is it?"

"Excuse me?"

"Who is it? And if you don't tell me, I'll find out on my own - not that many women in the Order this time. Hang on - it _is_ a woman, right?"

Remus was so taken by surprise he couldn't muster any reply at all.

"Just saying, if it's not, I'm fine with it. I got through the werewolf thing okay."

"Are you suggesting-" Remus groaned. Keeping it from Sirius was obviously not an option. "Yes, it is a woman. Now shut up."

A barking laugh escaped his friend. "I won't shut up _now_. Who?"

"Mind your own-"

"Absolutely not, Moony." Sirius looked positively gleeful. "C'mon, I've missed half of your life. Grant me this bit, remember that we swore we'd always be there, me and James-"

"Not that way!" Remus answered crossly.

"I'm here to help, and James," Sirius pointed towards the grey sky, "has a front-row seat up there."

For that, Remus almost pushed him off the stone steps leading up to the Black's front door.

"Now then, I'd say we can rule out McGonagall-"

"You're _sick_, Sirius, really-"

"So, that leaves ol' Figgy, Emmeline, Hestia, Fleur, Molly-"

"Will you bloody shut up, what if someone _hears_ you-"

"Oh, and my dear little cousin."

Remus couldn't tell what gave him away, but a victorious smirk on Sirius lips made it fairly evident he had guessed.

"Moony, old chap, didn't know you had it in you!"

"_Shut up_," Remus snapped, feeling his cheeks flush worse than ever. Oh Merlin, this was so _wrong_… he was too old, far too old - too dangerous...

Sirius laughed and clapped him on the shoulder, oblivious to his inner turmoil. "To be honest, I wouldn't have thought she was, well, your type, but-"

"_STUFF IT, SIRIUS!"_

"Calm down, mate, I won't tell anyone." Sirius threw him a genuine smile. "By the way, not that anyone would ask my permission, but if you would, you'd get it."

Remus gave a disbelieving laugh.

"Well, you're not the worst choice one could make, you know? Honestly, Remus."

"_Not the worst choice one could make_," he echoed, raising a brow at his friend. "Apart from the fact that I am _old_ and an immense danger, you mean, and apart from the fact I've got _nothing_ to offer, not even a single acceptable shirt-"

"Might help if you washed them-"

"You know what I mean," he growled, catching himself thinking that James would have understood. Slightly disgusted by himself, he shoved the thought away - even in his head that sounded like he'd wanted Sirius to die instead.

"Yes, I know what you mean. You're feeling sorry for yourself again - don't interrupt me, Remus - and you've got all right to do so, because, let's face it, the whole werewolf thing sucks. But _because_ you are," Remus threw him a dark look,"…what you are, _because_ you've never seen much of the good side of life, wouldn't you say you deserved some happiness?"

"Not at someone else's expense."

Sirius gave another dramatic sigh. "You know, I don't remember how often we've said that to you, but apart from your furry little problem, you're… pretty much what they're all after."

"I strongly doubt-"

"I said don't interrupt me. You're a decent, well-mannered, kind person and there's _nothing_ wrong with you. Except you are so convinced that you're a complete failure that you come off as one."

"Sorry to break it to you, Padfoot, but I _am_ a complete failure."

"_Remus_…," Sirius moaned. "You know, keep going like that and I'll actually give up trying."

"That would be sensible."

"James would never forgive me." Sirius pulled his friend to his feet. "Come on, you can't hide out here forever."

"I could try…" Remus muttered and sighed.

"We've all been through this, Remus. We all survived it, and once you stop being such an idiot, you might actually _enjoy_ it, too."

With a wry smile, he followed his friend back inside and said quietly: "Just promise me to keep your mouth shut and your nose out of other people's business."

"No, actually, I think I might give you the occasional coincidental nudge in the right direction."

Nothing good could come of this, Remus thought anxiously.

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